


I Have Only Ever Loved You

by SilverFountains



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Unrequited Love?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-25
Updated: 2014-05-25
Packaged: 2018-01-26 11:31:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1686773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverFountains/pseuds/SilverFountains
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: fingertips</p><p>Ever since he returned to Ered Luin for Kili’s coming of age celebration Thorin had felt like a love-sick dwarfling around his youngest nephew. It was not for nothing that he had spent most of the years that followed travelling, anything to be away from those feelings that could never be answered. But in a moment of madness he has agreed for both his nephews to join him on his quest to reclaim Erebor. And Kili is determined to prove his worth to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have Only Ever Loved You

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Я всегда любил только тебя](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3825730) by [LeilaMary](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeilaMary/pseuds/LeilaMary)



He had not seen his nephews for months. He had argued with them over coming on this quest, even though he had spent the last fifty or so years preparing and training them for it. But he had lost his nerve, now that it was becoming a reality. He knew better than anyone how dangerous it would be. His father had vanished whilst going the very same quest and was believed to be dead and he knew there was a very good chance that they too would not survive this. He was supposed to secure the line of Durin. And taking his nephews into what was now the hoard of a dragon did not meet that criterion one bit. But Fili and Kili were not going to take no as an answer and after many arguments which went round and round in circles he had reluctantly agreed they could join the company under the promise that they would follow his every instruction and stay close to him and Dwalin. He then had had to spend over a week arguing with his sister, promising her he would take care of them, that he would look after them. All the while knowing full well he could not guarantee their safety.

As he looks at them now he questions his decision again. They look so young still. So eager to go on this greatest adventure of their lives and yet so completely unaware of the dangers that they will face. But then he remembers that he was much younger than they are now when he had first faced those horrors. He cannot protect them forever. They are the princes of Durin, bred from a line of leaders and warriors. He has groomed them for this and now it is time to put all those years of training into practice.

But when he receives Kili’s beaming smile he knows that there is more to his concerns than that.

He gives Kili a smile back – too broad a smile - before he quickly turns away to face the hobbit again. He is not impressed by Gandalf’s choice. The creature looks he would be blown over in a storm, let alone be able to face a dragon. And all the while he can feel those eyes burning into his back. Those beautiful deep brown eyes, full of glee. He can hear Kili’s silver laughter ring out over all the others’ as Thorin challenges the hobbit burglar. He is annoyed at the distraction, at that churning sensation in his stomach. This is the dawn of a new era – at the end of it he will either be the King of Erebor or lying dead in the stone. He cannot afford such juvenile distractions from the task at hand.

Ever since he returned to Ered Luin for Kili’s coming of age celebration he had felt like a love-sick dwarfling around his youngest nephew. It was not for nothing that he had spent most of the years that followed travelling, under the guise of his search for his father. Anything to be away from Kili, away from those feelings that were so wrong and could never be answered.

He does not even know why Kili. The young dwarf is a brat. Always getting into trouble, always the one to challenge him and show so little respect. The lad has no idea what the real world is like. He loves them both dearly, of course, they are his sister-sons. That is normal, that is acceptable. But he has courted enough times to know that this feeling is different. This is not the love an uncle has for his nephew. His nephew makes his head spin and his body tingly in all the wrong places. And he knows full well that it is want he is feeling. Desire and need. His dreams are filled with it, no matter how long he is away from him.

As the company seat themselves down his eyes are drawn to the cheeky smile that looks at him from across the table, yet again distracting his thoughts from what matters most right now. He curses himself from allowing Kili to be on this quest. He is too young. Too naïve. Too reckless. Too beautiful …

He knows he is taking his frustration at himself out on the hobbit. But then why did Gandalf bring such a soft-hearted little creature into his company of warriors. Maybe not all warriors. He glances around the table. A company of misfits they are really. The three youngest including his nephews have never even seen an orc let alone killed one. And the ones that have are all well into their second century, strong still, but no longer in their prime.

He forces his attention back to the map and the key and the contract that is handed to the hobbit, who promptly faints at the realisation of what they are about to embark on. Thorin sighs. What has he let himself and his companions in for? But he has no choice. He is not getting any younger. The time is now or never.

When they have finished their discussion and smoked their pipes and sung the songs of old and all the others have taken their leave and been given a place for the night, he takes a seat in the armchair by the fireplace. He has much to consider still, much to prepare. And as the strange hobbit house under the hill falls silent he can finally focus his thoughts to what lies ahead.

Suddenly he can sense a movement behind him. He whips his head round, his defences on edge, only to find the loveliest smile painted across the most beautiful face staring back at him.

“Kili,” he states, unnecessarily, returning his gaze to the fire as he draws on his pipe. “Go to bed, it will be the last time you get to sleep in one for a while.”

But Kili as always chooses to ignore him and remains standing behind him. “Then why have you not gone to bed yet, Thorin?”

Thorin sighs. “What makes you think you need to question my personal decisions? Or disobey my orders?” he grumbles in his low voice.

Kili does not answer and for a moment Thorin thinks he is making a move to go to bed as ordered. But then he freezes as he can feel a tentative hand on his shoulder. “You too must rest,” his nephew says softly. “But if you cannot, if sleep will not come to you, then I will keep you company.”

“I did not ask for your company,” Thorin retorts. He knows Kili is only as stubborn as he is, but he wishes the brat would do as he was told and leave him be. He needs to think. And he does not need Kili to pull his thoughts into a direction they must never travel in.

“You did not,” Kili says softly. “You never do. You always keep to yourself, carry all your burdens alone.” He has walked around and taken a seat in the other chair now, indicating he has no intention to follow Thorin’s order to go to bed.

“It is my duty to carry these burdens. Who would you see I share them with?” Thorin grunts. But the moment he has said it he regrets giving Kili the leverage.

“Me?” Kili blurts out, hopeful.

Thorin snorts. “You are a child, Kili. Why would I share the responsibilities of the kingdom with a child?”

Kili’s head snaps up. He has tried. Like so many times before he has tried, but Thorin is too stubborn. And the comment has hurt him deeply. Yes, he is much younger than Thorin and he has been blessed not to have been through the hardship of his kin. But he is a child no longer. He is Thorin’s warrior. His archer. And if he would just let him, just allow him closer, he could be so much more.

Thorin lowers his head as listens to Kili’s receding footsteps. He knows he has hurt his feelings. But he has spoken the truth. Kili is too young to be at his side and relieve him from what keeps him awake at night. Even if he was not his blood he could never accept a dwarf less than half his age to be weighed down by his worries.

***

Thorin feels uncharacteristically smug as his companions are passed out after showing the cold shouldered elves how to feast. He is still spitting mad with Gandalf of misleading him into going to Rivendell, even though he is well aware that it saved them from a fate worse than death and has given him the answer to the puzzle of the map. But is hard for him to swallow his pride and accept the help of a race that has betrayed his people so badly. Even though the Elves of Rivendell are not related to the Wood Elves, he will never trust these tall haughty creatures whose allegiance bends as easy as a sapling in a breeze.  

He has almost finished smoking his pipe and is about to get up and retire to the room he has been allocated. The others seem content enough to sleep where they have fallen. He scans over the group, counting his companions. And just as he comes to the conclusion that he is missing someone he jumps as a hand combs through his hair.

He does not even need to look around this time. “Kili,” he says softly. Who else?

His nephew plonks himself down next to him, far too close in his personal space to be appropriate. So close that he can smell the wine on his nephew’s breath.

“Not tired, uncle?” Kili slurs softly.

“I was just about to retire,” Thorin answers flatly, not looking at him. He can’t. Even the sensation of Kili’s warm body so close to him is making him sweat.

They sit quietly for a while, listening to the loud snoring of the other dwarves.

Suddenly he feels a hand on his thigh and he freezes under the touch. In a reflex he grabs it and moves it away roughly. “What do you think you are doing?” he growls under his breath.

“You seem tense,” breathes the hot breath against his neck as Kili rests his head there. And then Kili’s face is right by his, his lips pursed, as he bends himself closer, trying to kiss him.

Thorin pulls away and jumps up, narrowing his eyes at his nephew. “Kili, go to bed,” is all he can say before he turns and almost runs to his room, his cheeks burning fiercely.

As he lies in the grand elvish bed that makes him feel like a little dwarfling, he closes his eyes. He feels embarrassed as his hand slides under the sheets to give himself some relief. All he can think of is Kili’s breath on his neck, Kili’s fingers in his hair, Kili’s lips so close to his … Even as he touches himself he curses his thoughts. If his quest is successful he will be king soon. He will be able to choose his consort from amongst the finest of his courtiers. Then why are his thoughts filled with desire for the one he can never have?

***

He does not know why he still tries. Thorin has made it quite clear that his feelings are unrequited. Why wouldn’t they be? Like Thorin has told him over and over again, he is but a child, a naïve dwarf who does not know the world. Thorin had embarrassed him in front of their companions, made him look infinitely small when he had only tried to lighten the mood and tease the hobbit a little. He should be angry with him, hate him even for constantly pushing him away and throwing all his affections back in his face. But his heart has other ideas. It makes him hang on every little offer of attention like a life rope. When Thorin had given him the opportunity to shoot the warg that was chasing them his heart had summersaulted in his chest. He had been so desperate to show him his skill, impress him. And in a moment of stupidity he thought he had. He had misinterpreted that the look of approval on his uncle’s face as a chance, a glimmer of hope. And in his drunken stupor he had trashed whatever respect he had earned that day by coming on to Thorin.

They had not spoken about it when they regrouped early in the morning, well before dawn, in order to leave Rivendell before the elves and the wizard awoke. Thorin had treated him no different than normal. Which pretty much meant he ignored him as much as he could.

And then all hell had broken loose as they had travelled across the High Pass and had been caught up in the craziest battle of his life. For a moment he thought that he had heard Thorin shout out his name in anguish as they had got separated by the stone giants. But he brushes it off as an illusion, a silly playing of his desperate mind in the heat of battle.

He sits shivering in the cave. It is not even the cold and wet that is sending a chill through his bones. It is thought that he could have lost his brother today. And he cannot even begin to think of losing Thorin. Fili shuffles closer to him and wraps an arm around him. “Okay, brother?” he asks softly as Kili’s teeth chatter in his mouth.

Kili nods but it is an unconvincing type of acknowledgement.

“Is he alright?” he can suddenly hear Thorin’s deep voice above him.

Fili shakes his head. “He is shaking.”

He hates how they talk over his head like this, like he is a child again. But he feels too ill to protest.

Thorin kneels besides him. “He’s in shock. I will look after him for a while. You go and see Bombur and get something in your belly. We all had a fright today and you need your strength for what is still to come.”

He can sense his brother's hesitation for a moment, but then Fili gets up and leaves the two of them.

He is still shivering like a leaf when Thorin sits down next to him. “You are cold,” he says as he begins to take his outer coat off.

“I am fine,” Kili snaps back.

Thorin hesitates and then pulls his coat back around him. Kili expects him to get up and leave him be, but is taken by surprise when next he feels his strong arm wrap around him and pull him against him.

“I was so scared I had lost you back there.”

Kili looks up at his uncle’s face in surprise and is even more surprised when he sees the genuine concern painted there. “I am okay,” he says softly.

“You are, and I am so grateful,” Thorin says as he pulls him in even closer. “I am so sorry that I have brought you on this journey. I should never have let you come along. You would have been safe in Ered Luin.”

Kili’s face contorts into an angry frown. “Stop it!” he snaps, pushing Thorin away.

Thorin raises an eyebrow at him, but before he has a chance to speak, Kili continues his tirade. “I am sick of it, Thorin. You keep treating me like a baby. I am an adult dwarf. I am young, yes, but I am a warrior. Have I not demonstrated my bravery so far? Have I not proven my skill to you as a bowsman? Have I not faced danger with my head held high like a prince of Durin should? You did allow me on this quest so stop treating me like a tag-along. Even the hobbit gets more credit from you than I do!”

He is aware that all eyes are on them now, but his anger is boiling.

“I want you to be proud of me! I want you to acknowledge my worth! I would give you everything if you only asked. My love, my life! All you do is throw it back in my face and make me look like a fool.” There are tears of anger in his eyes now and he fights to keep them back, not wanting to give Thorin another reason to think of him as a juvenile.

Thorin opens his mouth, wishing to sooth his nephew. He is taken aback by the outburst. All he has ever wanted is to protect him. Never to hurt him, to make him feel embarrassed or insignificant. Despite his youth, Kili has more than impressed him on this quest. He has been brave and is very skilled with his bow, in fact more so than many a dwarf, rivalling even the elves. He does not care that the others are looking at them. All he cares about right now is that Kili is upset. That he is upset with him.

But just as he is about to speak the ground underneath them shifts and crumbles and whilst they scramble backwards in an attempt to escape, the next he knows they are falling an endless fall into oblivion.

***

He is vaguely aware of the arms that are trying to pull him away, but he is screaming and fighting them. All he can see is Thorin lying on the rocky surface, broken and pale and not breathing. No, it cannot end like this! They are not even close to Erebor yet. “Thorin!” he cries, clawing at his uncle’s still frame as his tears splash down onto his chest. “Thorin, please don’t be dead!”

“He is not.” His head whips up and he looks into the stern face of the grey wizard. “Please, Kili,” the old man says softly, “let me help him.”

Kili hesitates for a moment. He cannot believe that Thorin is not dead – he looks dead – and he wants no-one else to touch him if he is. But if there is but the smallest glimmer of hope … Can the powerful wizard really work such a miracle?

This time he lets Fili and Dwalin pull him back as they watch the wizard work his magic. When Thorin’s eyes flutter open and he draws in a stuttering breath Kili thinks he might faint in surprise. He rushes forward again and presses himself tight against Thorin’s broken body. “Oh Thorin, I thought you were dead,” he sobs uncontrollably. He can feel Fili’s arms around the both of them too, afraid to let go of them in case the world will crumble.

“I … I am okay,” Thorin says softly, stroking Kili’s hair. Then he gently pushes Kili away and raises himself to his feet, wobbling ever so slightly, before he walks over to the hobbit.

The others are cheering but Kili feels an ugly sting in his chest as he watches Thorin embrace Bilbo. He likes the hobbit, he is kind and funny. But he does not like to see him wrapped in Thorin’s embrace like that. A cloud shifts over his features and he turns around, trying to bite back the tears. What does Bilbo have that he does not? Why can Thorin not show him such affection?

***

It feels like they have spent the last month running away from everything that inhabits Middle Earth. They have seen the darkness that lies across the lands in the form of orcs and wargs and goblins. And now they are taking shelter in the ginormous house of yet another creature that could be their demise. The others seem grateful for a peaceful night in the hay under the watchful eye of the wizard. But Thorin feels he might never sleep again. He is constantly on edge now, at every turn expecting disaster. As his heart races he ties to calm himself down by listening to the soft breathing of the others. Kili and Fili are sleeping closest to him as they always have, cuddled up in each other’s embrace. He thinks back to those peaceful nights in Ered Luin, when they were but children, climbing into his bed asking to be told the tales of Erebor again as they slowly drifted off in to his embrace. And he thinks back to Kili’s words spoken in anger before they all tumbled down into the goblin realm.

He turns onto his side to look at them. Kili is facing him and Fili’s arms are wrapped around his younger brother from behind in loving brotherly protection. He watches Kili’s sleeping features, so soft and beautiful. He is no longer a child. No matter how much he wants him to be so that he can send him away to the safe embrace of his sister Dis, he must accept that Kili is now an adult. A warrior.

But most of all he is the handsome young dwarf who has stolen his heart.

He feels himself leaning in closer, until he can feel Kili’s breath brush his face. His beautiful prince. He had worried he might lose him to the warg-riding orcs. He thought he had lost him to the stone giants. He thought he might lose him to the goblins. He had anguished when they had been chased by the giant bear that occupies this very house that they are staying in. But after all those horrors he is still here, still breathing and unharmed.

He reaches out. He knows he shouldn’t, but he cannot help himself. He wants to feel him, wants to make sure that he is real and not a figment of his imagination.

Ever so softly he runs his fingertips over Kili’s cheeks, brushing away the strands of untamed dark brown hair. Across the stubble of his young beard. Until he brushes his thumb softly over Kili’s lips.

Kili’s eyes flick open and he stares at Thorin in surprise. Thorin jolts and is about to take his hand back, embarrassed. But Kili grabs his wrist and kisses his thumb before pressing his palm against his cheek, smiling softly. “Thorin …”

“Kili.”

Kili gently moves his brother’s arm out of the way and slips out of the embrace, making Fili grumbly softly before he turns himself over. Kili shuffles forward. Tentative. Wanting but not wishing to push Thorin away again. But his uncle opens up the blanket that covers him and allows Kili to snuggle into his embrace.

“I am so sorry if I upset you before,” Thorin whispers softly. “I did not mean to. I want you to know that I am so very proud of you and that I never meant to hurt you. I just wish I could keep you safe forever.”

Kili looks up, his lips so very close to Thorin’s as he pulls closer into the warm embrace. “But you can’t Thorin. You need to let me grow up. Become the warrior that I am destined to be.”

Thorin nods solemnly. “It is difficult. I cannot bear the thought of you getting hurt. Of losing you,” he whispers. Even saying the words is choking him.

“Then let me love you, be at your side for as long as Mahal allows me to be. We do not know what tomorrow will bring. But tonight let me be yours.”

Thorin bends himself down closing the last inch between those soft lips and his own. And as they melt together into their first kiss he knows that Kili is right. That no matter what further evil awaits them on this quest, whether they will reclaim Erebor or die trying, he cannot control any of those things. But he can savour the moment right now of finally giving in to those feelings he has tried to suppress for so long. “I love you, Kili,” he whispers almost inaudibly. “I have only ever loved you.”

“I know,” Kili smiles softly. “That is why I keep coming back no matter how hard you push me away.”

Thorin wraps him even closer, seeking his lips again. “Thank you for being as stubborn as you are.”

“You have taught me well,” Kili grins before he sinks into another warm kiss again, never wanting this night to end and never wanting to let go of Thorin ever again now that he has finally allowed him to be were he belongs. 


End file.
